Tommy Lee Goes To College?

As I was flipping through the channels the other night I came across the reality tv show, "Tommy Lee Goes To College". The premise of the show is that Tommy Lee (44 year old founder and drummer of Motley Crue) takes classes and joins the marching band at the University of Nebraska. The camera follows him through his daily routine which includes a chemistry course in a large lecture hall, some quality time with a very sexy tutor, crazy antics as he establishes his own fraternity (of the "Lee" house), and time spent playing Nintendo. I found myself wincing at every turn in this indecent show. It was not even so much the same bad cliches about college life popularized throughout the 1980's by such films as Animal House, Porky's, Breakfast Club, Weird Science, and Revenge of the Nerds as it was the shamefully adolescent behavior of a 44 year old man who appears not to have overcome his unresolved Peter Pan complex. It made me think of Theophrastus Characters , a third century b.c. text of ridiculous personalities. Therein we find the case of the "rejuvenator". I quote the text in full:

"Rejuvenation would seem to be an enthusiasm for work inappropriate to one's age. The rejuvenated man is the sort who, after turning sixty, memorizes passages, but when his is reciting at a drinking party can not remember the lines. From his son he learns "right face" and "left face" and "about face". For the hero-festivals, he contributes to the boys and runs in the relay races. If he is invited to a shrine of Heracles somewhere, you can be sure he will throw his cloak and try to lift the bull to twist its neck. He goes into the wrestling schools and challenges them to a match. At street fairs he sits through three or four shows, trying to learn the songs. When he is being inducted into the cult of sabazios he wants the priest to judge him the most handsome. He becomes infatuated with a prostitute, uses a battering ram on her door and gets a beating from her former lover--then takes him to court. While he is riding on a borrowed horse in the coutry he tries to practice fancy horsemanship at the same time, but falls and hurts his head. Among the members of a monthly club he plans the attendance of his fellow financial sponsors...He competes in archery and the javelin against his children's teacher, and suggests that the teacher take lessons from him. When he wrestles at the baths, he often twists his hips so that he will look well trained. And when women are nearby he practices a chorus-dance, humming to himself." Theophrastus, Characters 28.

To Theophrastus' admirable list of behaviors and characteristics of the rejuvenator, we might inscribe the text of Tommy Lee Goes To College. In one scene, Tommy proudly receives a "B+" on a quiz and promptly meets his tutor at the bar. I have a better scenario, one that will surely put this clown in his place and thus end the cultural tyranny of 80's hair bands once and for all, namely, Tommy gets an 'F' for all of his courses and is forced out of Nebraska tail between his legs.